Toujours & Siempre
by CannS
Summary: "I love her!" Severus exclaimed, the volume of his voice surprising even to him. "I always have, and I always will." The story of Severus and Lily's relationship, interwoven with select lyrics of 3 songs entitled that famous line from the Deathly Hallows


_I finally had to get this idea out of my head and into words (no doubt to make room for some other crazy idea that will haunt me for months!)_

_I have written this piece around the one line of the Deathly Hallows that never fails to bring tears to the audience, interlacing the story with select lyrics from three songs of the same name. "Always."_

_(The title is taken from the French and Spanish translations)_

_"Always" – Bon Jovi_

_"Always" – Blink 182_

_"Always" – Saliva_

* * *

><p><strong>Toujours &amp; Siempre<strong>

A young boy sat in a tree high above the playground and silently watched over the local children playing. In his old "you'll-grow-into-them" clothing he was always teased before he could get near enough to make friends with any of them and with time he learnt the beauty of people-watching from a distance.

Today however, Severus was not wistfully watching the children on the jungle gym, nor wishing he could join the boys playing football, his attention was instead drawn towards a daisy patch not far from where he was balanced among the branches. Two girls of his age sat in the sun, stringing daisies together into long chains and weaving them through their hair. One of the girls had the most stunning curls of red hair that gleamed like silk under the warm sun. It wasn't until the rain began to fall that he was able to pull his eyes away from her beauty.

The two girls picked themselves up and began to run home, loose daisies falling from their laps in their feeble desperation to stay dry. Severus dropped down from the tree and crossed to the daisy patch in the rain. As the water permeated his light clothing he bent down and picked up the half-finished chain of daisies the red-head had been working on with her delicate fingers. He looked after the two girls who were running wildly towards their home, dodging puddles as they lightly splashed along the road, and he took a deep longing sigh. If only he wasn't just "that freak" and instead had a reason to talk to her.

* * *

><p><em>What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair<em>

_To touch your lips, to hold you near_

* * *

><p>"Severus!" Lily ran up to the lanky teenage boy on his way down to the lake behind the school and threw herself at him.<p>

"Hi Lily," he deeply breathed in her scent as his arms enclosed around her and held her close to him, if only for a moment.

"You really need to switch houses, you know," Lily pouted, tugging at his Slytherin tie. "Now that NEWT potions have Gryffindor paired with Ravenclaw, I never get to see you!"

"Maybe you should switch houses," Severus cooly pushed his long black hair out of his eyes as Lily moved out of his embrace.

Lily looked at him incredulously. "And sleep in a dungeon? No way! You should change into Gryffindor."

"Okay, we'll ask the sorting hat tomorrow."

Lily beamed and Severus smiled right back; he knew he'd do anything to see her face light up like that.

"Last one in the water's a blast ended skrewt!" Lily said suddenly, taking off for the lake and pulling her blouse off over her head to reveal a dark green swimsuit with a low cut back.

Severus gave chase as he tugged his tie loose. Approaching the end of the short jetty, Lily kicked her shoes off and as she wiggled free from her skirt Severus knew he had to get into the lake before the familiar sensation became apparent to anyone else. Tugging his trousers down, he took a bomb-dive into the water mere moments after Lily's more graceful dive.

Severus tread the water as he waited for Lily to resurface, but with the ripples from her dive long gone, there was still no sign of her.

"Lily?" Severus padded in circles, looking for a sign of her shocking red hair. "Lily!"

Suddenly a wave of water hit him from behind and he heard her light laughter as he spun around to see Lily sending waves of water to hit him in the face. Severus pulled his long arms backward to splash right back at her. A moment later he dived under the surface.

"Severus?" Lily called out, trying to pinpoint where he would re-emerge, so she could continue her attack. Suddenly she shrieked out loud and disappeared under the water herself.

Severus' gentle hand was tugging her below the surface towards him. When she was at his eye level they held hands and circled one another, floating freely in the water. He signaled for a truce and slowly Lily nodded, neither of them breaking eye contact until they had spiraled their way back to the surface in need of fresh air.

"Lily?" Severus broke their lengthy silence as he pushed a long wet curl of her hair behind her ear.

Her reply was interrupted by the war cries of several first years pounding their way down the jetty and each hitting the water in a series of cannon balls.

* * *

><p><em>Come on let me hold you, touch you, feel you<em>

_Always_

_Kiss you, taste you, all night_

_Always_

_Come on let me hold you, touch you, feel you_

_Always_

_Kiss you, taste you, all night_

_Always_

* * *

><p>Back on the shore, Severus sat with his legs curled up in front of him, watching Lily as she lay out on her front and flayed her wet hair across the smooth skin of her back, resting her head on her arms with her eyes closed.<p>

"Sev?" She asked without opening her stunning green eyes. Some sort of questionable squeak came from the back of Severus' throat in response. "What were you going to say before the first years invaded?"

"Oh, I – I don't remember," intimidated by the stunning beauty that lay before him, he found it easier to lie than try and wrap his tongue around those three simple words.

* * *

><p><em>Now I can't sing a love song<em>

_Like the way it's meant to be_

* * *

><p>That next Saturday was equally warm and as with each fine weekend, Severus was looking forward to meeting Lily down by the lake. However, pulling open the vast rear doors of the castle, he was faced with something he most certainly dreaded. Four boys; Remus Lupin, with his nose in a book on the far side of the court yard, Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew in a playful duel, and Potter, the James Potter, lounging on the steps, tossing a snitch in the air. About to retreat back into the castle and go around the long way, he saw Lily not that far ahead, her red head bobbing across the expansive lawn. If he continued now, he would soon catch up to her and may even get to hold her hand as they slowly dawdled down to the lake.<p>

"Hey, Snivelly," James said the moment Severus took a bold step outdoors.

"Aren't you going to say 'hello'?" Sirius asked as Severus kept his head down and kept putting one foot in front of the other.

"Yea, that's rude." Peter chimed in. "You should teach him a lesson, Padfoot."

"Levicorpus." James said casually as Severus felt a tug at his ankles and he was falling forward as his feet were dragged skyward where he was left dangling upside down. Severus flailed wildly at his robes, trying to get free and stop them from obscuring his view of this torment. The gentle clunk below him identified his wand falling from his pocket and to the tiled courtyard.

"Let me down!" Severus screamed in frustration, spinning in circles. "Let me down, now!"

James seemed to consider it for a moment. "Hmm… no." he concluded as Remus sat by quietly, engrossing himself further in his reading. He never supported his best friends' tormenting, but he would never do anything to stop them.

"Potter!" A familiar female voice echoed sternly in the courtyard and Severus' cheeks flushed bright pink. How do you seduce a woman who has seen you dangle upside down like a tangled puppet?

"Yes, my fair maiden," James responded nonchalantly.

"Let him down!" She insisted, standing with her face mere millimeters from his.

"Let who down, Evans?" Sirius played the ignorance card.

"Back off, Black." Lily said holding a hand out but never breaking the withering stare she gave James.

"Woah, Snivelly, good job you have a little mud-blood girl to protect you," Peter chortled.

"Pete!" James warned disapprovingly at the same moment the most regrettable sentence in history escaped Severus' lips.

"I don't need any mud-bloods to protect me!"

At that moment, his entire world, metaphorical and physical, came crashing to the ground.

"Ooo, that's low." Sirius looked down at Severus who had snatched up his wand and was scrambling up from the ground, still unaware of the enormous weight those few words would have on his life.

"Get out!" Severus shouted menacingly

With a wild man's want pointing between each of them, Sirius, James and Peter shrugged and moved to the far side of the court yard.

"Ow, that hurt." Severus examined the grazed and bleeding forearm which had hit the ground on his ungraceful descent.

"I would hope so!" Lily snarled.

"Lil, what's wrong?" He looked up, concern evident in his eyes.

"You were my Half-Blood Prince, and I thought I was your Emerald-eyed Empress, but clearly I'm not. Clearly blood status is all that matters to you." Lily turned on her heel and fled into the castle.

Severus chased after her, only wishing it was the playful chase he had anticipated, and finally caught up with her as she waited for the Gryffindor common room to grant her entrance. "Lily, wait. I didn't mean it like that."

"Oh, don't worry, Snape. I got your message loud and clear." The impersonal use of his surname stung.

"Lily, I'm sorry!" He pleaded, holding her hand and trying to turn her back to face him. "You are my Emerald-eyed Empress, you will always be my Esmeralda!"

"I will never be your anything!" She said as the door hinges released and she slipped inside the common room, slamming the door behind her.

"But, I love you." He whispered to the firmly closed frame.

"Just give her some time to cool down, sweetie." A large woman in a pink dress said from inside the frame.

Dejected, Severus hung his head and slowly shuffled his way to the Slytherin common room where he spent the remainder of the sunny weekend hidden away in the dungeons.

* * *

><p><em>I feel, like you don't want me around<em>

_I guess I'll pack all my things_

_I guess I'll see you around_

_It's all, been bottled up till now_

_As I walk out the door_

_All I can hear is the sound!_

_Always, always, always_

_Always, always, always_

* * *

><p>On Monday morning, Severus got up early and carefully combed his hair before sneaking out to the green houses where he walked straight past the lilies in the muggle planting section and carefully snipped a single red rose. Always bombarded with the flower of her name only Severus knew she secretly hated lilies and longed for a traditional rose instead.<p>

Nervously, Severus stood outside the great hall, smoothing his hair for the hundredth time and picking invisible bits of lint from his robes, and waited for his green eyed girl to come downstairs. He started forward when she appeared at the top of the stairs with her friends and with much whispering the girls sent Lily down a few steps ahead of them.

"Lily, I'm sorry. I made a huge mistake." He took her hands in his and tried to make eye contact. "You deserve far more than that, and I want to make it up to you, if you'll let me."

* * *

><p><em>When you say your prayers try to understand<em>

_I've made mistakes, I'm just a man_

* * *

><p>Severus drew out a single red rose and presented it to Lily. A dirty trick, she thought, only he would know how to sneak past her defenses so skillfully. She took the rose and smelling it's sweet perfume, she twirled it between her fingertips.<p>

"Lily, please, I was a fool." He said sincerely. "Never again will I act like such a twat."

"No." She said, the tone in her voice flat as the rose burst into flames in her hand. "Not now that I know what you truly think of me."

Severus stood in shocked silence as Lily walked around him and her friends pushed past as they flanked her on her way into the great hall.

* * *

><p><em>And I'll miss your laugh, your smile<em>

_I'll admit I'm wrong, if you'd tell me_

_I'm so sick of fights, I hate them_

_Let's start this again for real_

_So here I am, I'm trying_

_So here I am, are you ready?_

_So here I am, I'm trying_

_So here I am, are you ready?_

_Come on let me hold you, touch you, feel you_

_Always_

_Kiss you, taste you, all night_

_Always_

_Come on let me hold you, touch you, feel you_

_Always_

_Kiss you, taste you, all night_

_Always_

* * *

><p>Several weeks later, Lily still hadn't spoken another word to Severus despite many attempts on his behalf. He had been wondering numbly from class-to-class, pining after his, secretly beloved, best friend. It was a Hogsmeade weekend and he reluctantly made his way into town among the happy, cherry students. He should have been happily chatting with Lily on their way to try any new, ridiculous candies and drink too much butter beer, but instead he was strolling along the path as a loner, needing to buy a new quill, or was it a new case of newts' eyes? He couldn't remember, and he couldn't care less.<p>

Catching a glimpse of bright auburn hair ahead, Severus felt a sudden burst of life surge through him as he rushed forward, hoping to catch up to her. Maybe she would talk to him this time. But as he drew nearer his stomach suddenly plummeted at the sight before him.

Opening the door to Madame Puddifoots, James ran a hand through his ruffled mop of black hair and guided Lily through the door with his other arm. Not believing his eyes, Severus crossed the street and stole a glance through the window, only to see Lily and James sitting awkwardly opposite each other at one of Puddifoots' ridiculously small tables. James said something and Lily smiled as her cheeks flushed pink.

They had 'first date' written all over them.

His eyes stung and he turned on his heel to march straight back to the castle, his errands all but forgotten.

* * *

><p><em>I wrap my hand around your heart<em>

_Why would you tear my world apart?_

_Always, always, always, always_

* * *

><p>It seemed there was nowhere that Severus could go without encountering the new couple on campus. They were in the library when he tried to study and continually walking between classes with their fingers interlaced. He was unable to eat at dinner, his appetite instantly evaporating when James looped his arm around Lily's back, whispered in her ear and placed a kiss on her cheek. There was nothing that Severus wouldn't give to be James right now, for was in love with Lily and he knew he always would be.<p>

* * *

><p><em>When he holds you close, when he pulls you near<em>

_When he says the words you've been needing to hear_

_I'll wish I was him 'cause those words are mine_

_To say to you till the end of time_

_Yea, I will love you baby – Always_

_And I'll be there forever and a day – Always_

* * *

><p>He hadn't seen Lily since they had graduated, though he still haunted the old places in their hometown hoping to see her again. Little did Severus expect that the next time he caught a glimpse of her glowing face, it would be beaming up at him from the black and white photo in the back of a muggle newspaper he was leafing through at a local cafe. All remaining hope he had been clinging onto evaporated and he felt as deflated as an old balloon.<p>

Severus dropped the newspaper and abandoning his barely touched coffee, he left the café in a storm of purpose. Lily's picture lay on the table top with another beaming face next to hers and Severus' crucifying caption beneath it: "Henry and Violet Evans, along with Harold and Marianne Potter are pleased to announce the engagement of Lily Evans and James Potter…"

* * *

><p><em>I just can't take anymore<em>

_This life of solitude_

_I pick myself off the floor and now I'm done with you_

* * *

><p>Throwing himself whole-heartedly into somewhere that he could belong, and act numbly and mindlessly, proved to be a welcome distraction for Severus as he soon felt himself enjoying power and feeling in control of his own destiny for the first time in his life. The final initiation was nigh and he stood resolutely alongside his new peers, bowing their heads beneath the large hoods of their cloaks and pulling up the left sleeve of their robes to reveal their bare forearms in preparation for swearing their allegiance to the Dark Lord and his cause.<p>

"Dominum meum in verba declarant I tenebris." the group simultaneously chorused the repetitive phrase in latin as Lord Voldemort himself made his way down the line, touching his wand to each of their forearms in turn. While the likes of the monster that is Yaxley appeared to be on the brink of passing out from the pain as their knees began to buckle and they struggled to keep from shouting out, Severus didn't so much as flinch when the wand pressed against his forearm and the form of a dark skull and snake burned itself into his skin, branding him forever. Before moving down the line, Voldemort eyed him carefully, as Severus stood perfectly still and declared his allegiance to the Dark Lord in the latin tongue.

* * *

><p><em>Well, I guess I'm not that good anymore<em>

_But baby, that's just me_

* * *

><p>Severus was the perfect, mindless devotee as his mind, body and soul had become numb the moment he had had his heart taken from him. He hated James for stealing her from him. He hated Lily for crushing him so. But far more than either of those, a part of him still loved her longingly as there were memories of her wherever he went. The only time he felt freedom was when he was acting with a mindless purpose, working with the growing army of hooded wizards seeking to gain wizarding control over the muggle world.<p>

He heard shouting outside and with a smile he knew it was time. He and others ran through the door to cut off the exit as muggles in pyjamas were fleeing death eaters from the other side. The group of muggles, who stood cold and scared in the middle of the street, were trapped as wizards flanked all sides of them. Severus drew his wand and with his peers began to demonstrate the new wizarding dominance that would rule the world the muggles had grown to know.

His mind was clear, and he was free.

* * *

><p><em>Always, always, always<em>

_Always, always, always_

_I just can't live without you!_

_I love you!_

_I hate you!_

_I can't get around you!_

_I breathe you!_

_I taste you!_

_I can't live without you!_

_I just can't take anymore_

_This life of solitude_

_I guess I'm out the door_

_And now I'm done with you!_

_(Done with you, done with you, done with you, done with you, done with you)_

* * *

><p>It was a quiet night as Severus emerged from a pub on Knockturn Alley, and he was surprised to see the familiar figure of his old headmaster walking past the Diagon intersection ahead, his long silver hair glowing in the moonlight. Considering it was the middle of a schooling term, he was far from campus and something drew Severus follow to him in the shadows.<p>

He followed closely behind and saw Dumbledore stoop beneath the low arch to the Leaky Cauldron. Dumbledoor greeted a woman with wild frizzy hair and thick bottle glasses, formally shaking her hands, before Tom the barkeep lead them to one of the back rooms. Severus stood near and when he had the opportunity, snuck unnoticed up to the door and pushed his ear to the keyhole. It appeared to be a simple job interview for the post of a divination professor at Hogwarts and Severus was about to leave when a semi-demonic sounding, voice rung through the room and he heard a prophecy being spoken.

The prophecy was clear that someone would overthrow the Dark Lord and deem his efforts worthless. Severus could never have dreamed such fortune would bestow him, for he knew that forewarning his Master would make him revered above all others so he immediately departed for the country mansion where they were currently stationed.

He was right about one thing, he would be revered above all others. But he never considered the implications of this revelation.

"My Lord, it speaks of the Potter boy! Those Potters and my cousin have thrice fought us, and they just spawned a little monkey." Bellatrix cackled. "But don't worry, I'll see to it that my cousin's god son won't live to see his next birthday."

"No, not them!" Severus exclaimed loudly causing all to stare at him. "I mean, uh, what about the Longbottom aurors, my Lord? They have a son."

Voldemort nodded in reflection. "Bellatrix, Rodolphus, do you think you can handle the Longbottom's?"

"But my Lord, what about the other boy?" Bellatrix enquired eagerly.

"Bella! I will not have you distracted by a family feud when something of such great importance is upon us!" He snapped sharply. "Do you think you can handle the Longbottom's, or shall I call for Lucius?"

Severus felt a wave of relief wash over him as their attention was drawn away from Lily and her son.

"Yes, my lord." Bellatrix bowed deeply. "Consider it handled."

"When the time is deemed right, and I give you the word, you must go and eliminate the boy. Take out anyone who gets in your way." Voldemort instructed. "I will take the Potter boy."

It was as though he had been kicked in the stomach. With the wind knocked from him all the feelings for Lily Severus had buried so deep hit him like a tidal wave of emotion and he feared for her safety.

"My Lord, if it pleases you, please spare the mother." Severus said quietly late that evening.

"You want a little treat for yourself?" Voldemort questioned. "Okay, as a thank you for informing me of the prophecy, I will spare the mother and bring her to you. Provided she doesn't stand between me and the boy."

Severus remembered the strong-willed woman he had fallen in love with, and knew that she would never go quietly. There was only one other person he could turn to and the following evening he found himself on the bank behind Hogwarts' castle anxiously awaiting the silver-haired wizard to climb the mound and cross the school's protective barrier.

"I heard it all, everything, the whole prophecy. He thinks it's her, Professor, he thinks it's her!" Severus said quickly, a jumble of words falling from his tongue.

"Slow down, Severus, and tell me what happened."

Severus took a deep breath and forced himself to tell the full story in complete sentences.

"The Dark Lord is only after the boy, we just have to get Lily away from the baby. Bring her to me, I will take her away and keep her safe." He concluded.

"Severus, she has a husband and a child. What would be their fate?" Dumbledore said smoothly.

"I don't care! We just have to protect her!"

"I don't think that Lily would agree. She's a mother, you'll never be able to separate them." Dumbledore reasoned.

"But, you have to do something! Anything!" Tears were leaving tracks down his cheeks now as they flowed freely down his face.

"Why did you come here tonight, Severus?" He wanted to hear the confessional and binding words come from Severus' own lips.

"I love her!" Severus exclaimed, the volume of his voice surprising even to him. "I always have, and I always will. You have to save her! You're the only one who can." He implored, now on his knees as he begged at the feet of the only wizard whose power would even match that of the Dark Lord's. "I'll do anything."

"Anything?"

"Anything." Severus said with a firm note of committal in his voice.

Dumbledore nodded his acceptance and helped Severus to his feet.

* * *

><p><em>Well, there ain't no luck<em>

_In these loaded dice_

_But baby if you give me just one more try_

_We can pack up our old dreams_

_And our old lives_

_We'll find a place where the sun still shines _

* * *

><p>Severus was at headquarters closely watching and waiting for any indication that the Dark Lord had discovered the hiding place of the two hunted boys, so that advanced warning could be sent to Dumbledore. He had only been in the bathroom for a few minutes but when he returned the large group was noticeably smaller to him.<p>

"Yaxley," Severus roughly pulled at his shoulder. "Where's Bellatrix and Rodolphus?"

"They disapparated moments after the Dark Lord, just a few minutes ago."

Severus cussed under his breath and ran into the desolate alley behind headquarters. Conjuring a patronus, a bright white doe burst forth from his wand. "It's now." He said desperately before sending the patronus off and disapparating to the town where he knew Lily to be hidden away.

A gut wrenching pull in his stomach hurt as he saw large plumes of smoke billowing skyward from the centre of the small village and he pushed his body to the limits to get there as quickly as he could. One corner of the house was completely blown away and the thatched roof was smoldering and deep down, he knew he was already too late.

"Lily!" He called running through the front door which was left barely hanging on its hinges. He leapt over James' still body which lay at the bottom of the stairs and he took the stairs two at a time. There was a single door ajar at the end of the short hall and he approached it with trepidation and found Lily crumpled in the floor in front of a small wooden crib. "No! Lily!"

He ran the final steps and collapsed in front of her, pulling her limp body into his lap and caressing her hair. A river of tears ran down his cheeks and into her hair as he held her tightly to him, rocking back and forth.

"No, not my Lily, not my Lily," he repeated over to himself before he was overwhelmed with emotion and began howling out in grief.

He heard a second, sharper cry and turned in surprise to the crib where a small baby with black hair and startling green eyes stared through the crib and reached a cubby arm through the bars trying to reach for his mother's hand. Those little eyes, so full of life, were identical to the closed eyes of the woman in his lap – the eyes that he saw every night in his dreams. A fresh wave of despair washed over him and he held her closer as he heard the rumble of a motorbike outside and the unmistakable voice of Sirius calling into the house.

"Goodbye, Lily, my love," Severus said quietly, placing a lingering kiss gently on her forehead before disapparating moments before Sirius burst into the room.

* * *

><p><em>This Romeo is bleeding<em>

_But you can't see his blood_

_It's nothing but some feelings_

_That this old dog kicked up_

_It's been raining since you left me_

_Now I'm drowning in the flood_

_You see I've always been a fighter_

_But without you I give up_

_Now your pictures that you left behind_

_Are just memories of a different life_

_Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry_

_One that made you have to say goodbye_

_If you told me to cry for you_

_I could_

_If you told me to die for you_

_I would_

_Take a look at my face_

_There's no price I won't pay_

_To say these words to you_

_And I will love you, baby – Always_

_And I'll be there forever and a day – Always_

_I'll be there till the stars don't shine_

_Till the heavens burst and_

_The words don't rhyme_

_And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind_

_And I'll love you – Always_

* * *

><p>Nearly seventeen years later, venom coursed slowly through his veins as he slumped in a growing pool of his own blood. His sacrifice was all for nothing, for without passing on Dumbledore's final message to Harry, he would surely lose. Severus heard a shuffling sound and caught a shadow in the corner of his eyes and hoped that the snake had come back to finish him off.<p>

"Professor," the teenage boy with ruffled black hair and blazing green eyes knelt before him and looked on hopelessly, seeing so many cuts and so much blood, and although he knew there was no way to stop it, he still applied pressure as best he could to the deep gashes.

Severus could feel himself going and summoned the last of his strength to extract the memories he so wished to bestow upon the boy. "T-take them. Take them, please." He strained his voice and raised a hand to the tears flowing down his cheeks.

"Take them to the pensieve," he instructed the boy breathily as Harry collected the tears in a small glass vial and stowed them in his pocket.

"Look at me." Severus struggled to form the words of his final crucial sentence. "You have your mother's eyes."

Harry looked up and Severus locked his gaze, the grey eyes staring longingly at the green eyes and in his last moment, he saw Lily.

* * *

><p><em>I've been here before a few times<em>

_and I'm quite aware we're dying_

* * *

><p><em>This is my first "songfic" and it's not the only one bouncing around in my head, so please review and give me feedback - I will return the favour :)<em>

_I hope you've enjoyed, and welcome you to read my nearly-complete 'novel', "Change is in the Air".__ It's my (largely canon) prequel to the series which follows the Maurauders' generation through Hogwarts, including Severus' heartbreak and cross to the 'dark side'. __(It is all written and in the final editing stages, so frequent updates until completion can be expected – provided the reader interest/support is present.)_

_~ CannS_


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